On being a bald woman

I am bald. Virtually no hair on my head or body. I do have a couple of strays left on my forearms but not anywhere else. I lost my hair because I have cancer and the chemotherapy treatment I am receiving has killed all my hair follicles. Adriamycin, Cytoxin and Taxol, oh my… Not having any hair anywhere is actually quite convenient. No shaving of the legs or underarms. Not having hair on my head is something else altogether. Men can rock the look but for most women it is quite a different story.

I had a very serious relationship with my hair. My daughter is a fantastic stylist and you better believe I was in her chair every six weeks or so. I got my hair colored and highlighted and cut and trimmed and styled. It was the one thing I got complimented on most often. It was great hair. I loved it so much. Maybe too much. I often wonder about when we covet anything so deeply, the reality of losing my breasts was not as upsetting as the thought of losing my hair. But then came breast cancer. It hit me and my hair like an out of control freight train. I was told I would lose my hair very quickly, within the first week of chemo. When I retained most of my hair well into my second round, I thought I might be in the tiny five percent who never lose their hair.

I was so very wrong. I was delusional. My hair did come out slowly and painfully. I didn’t want the short hairdo recommended by the oncologist, didn’t want the stupid weird, itchy wig, hated every hat and scarf I was given or purchased for myself. I brushed and stroked every hair off my head, and did I mention it was extremely painful? I finally allowed my daughter to give me the shorty hairdo and on that same day my hair was still falling out one strand at a time. The pain was unbearable. I suffered with this process for another two weeks, then finally I allowed my daughters boyfriend to shave my head. She was cooking us dinner at that moment and he was willing and is very tall and I’m very short so we stood on their deck and he just undid the remaining mess of hair.

Oh man it felt so good to finally not feel the agony of losing hair one fiber at a time. I felt the breeze on my naked head and actually smiled and laughed for the first time in weeks. There was one more hurdle to this loss and again I did not see it coming. It happened when I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I burst into tears. I almost fell over. I ran behind the door and hid from my reflection. I put a towel over my head, looked again in the mirror and tried to remove it little by little. but the shock and awe of the bald head was overwhelming. The only reason I didn’t lose my mind right then and there was that it felt so good. My patient and extremely sensible daughter told me to get a grip. It took almost a month for me to find the grip, let alone get it.

For weeks up to this point my head felt as though it were on fire. I had a raging headache the entire time. I became afraid of the hair brush, because every time I stubbornly pulled it through my beloved hair, out came a giant clump. There was hair everywhere, in my bed, all over my house, on my patio, in my car, in my cats’ litter box, on my cat… I mean everywhere. I watched the birds in my yard gather it up for their nests. But now, there’s no hair anywhere.

I still have several more rounds of chemo to go and it is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. Even though the treatment makes me feel like death walking and I know it’s not going to get any easier, I still mourn the loss of my beloved hair. I have quite a while to go before there’s even a shadow on the horizon of my bald head. So right now I look like an alien. My skin is gray, I’ve lost much weight, my fingernails are fallen out and the tips of my fingers are black, I have huge black circles under my eyes which are constantly running with tears, my chest if full of lumpy painful tissue expanders. All of this seems to pale in comparison to my vacant scalp. Anyone who has seen me in person says I have a wonderfully perfectly round head and that I look pretty good bald. To which I silently reply, really??I do own a mirror you know.. I can’t stand any type of covering on my head so if I have to go outside my house I just wear it bald. I keep the little blue do rag with me in case I get really cold all of a sudden which happens when you are hairless. Just think of one of those little hairless dogs, they are always shivering.

Going out in this current debilitated condition is a real trip. I can’t get out often but some days I feel as if the fog has lifted somewhat and I take the opportunity to pretend that I am normal and I will go into the grocery store. When people see me coming they look real fast then cast their glance away or to the floor or become intensely interested in reading a label as I wander by.   If I turn around real fast I catch them taking in the sight of me. It’s a bit depressing. Not that I need any help whatsoever in the depression department. I just try to ignore the stares and mouths hanging open and hold myself as uprightly as I can and go about the business of trying to feel normal.

I’ve learned a lot of things as I travel this cancer road but the major thing is that most regular people will look at me and think oh my god what would I do if that happened to me? It makes everyone take stock of their own lives instantly. Oh sure they have some form of empathy or sympathy for me, but mostly my bald head and sunken eyes and gray skin just freak people out.  At least I know I will recover from this unfortunate event in my life..or not..but if I do I will go forth with a new and solid understanding of how to react to anyone I happen to encounter who has an apparent problem or dis-ability. A big smile and a hearty hello and a direct look in the eye. No averted look, no sad smile with the dreaded head tilt will ever come out of me again.



she had a bad night. the day before she had decided to get drunk. good and drunk. she has been a drinker ever since I knew her, but this day she set a full intention within herself to get hammered. I was unaware of the plan and proceeded to just be my usual clueless self that day. I am not a drinker so I don’t see things happening that would inform someone who knows the drill.

I was completely unaware as the evening progressed that this was going to be a bad one. she became progressively louder and more argumentative as the minutes passed by. normally we enjoy each others company and I was starting to notice the uncharacteristic behavior. but only in that I was feeling quite irritated with her. she would just blurt out something very loudly and unintelligibly. I kept thinking she was talking to me but she wasn’t. she was lost in her mind, responding to whatever was going on in there.

at one point I noticed that everything I said drew out a nasty response. I was confused. what was happening to my close friend, I wondered. as she sat there smoking butt after butt, refilling her cup several times, I decided to just go to bed.

the next morning I sat and talked with her about some of the things she said last night. concerning and troubling things that sounded to me like issues that would and could affect me personally. it was only then that I realized she was wasted last night. and whenever she told me she had set out to accomplish this drunken belligerent state, I became alarmed at her decision making process. we had just moved in together. what was going to happen I f she decides to do this again and doesn’t tell me?

she announced to me that she was going to quit drinking and go to aa. I did not ask her to do this, I really didn’t even comment on her behavior except to say what the hell happened there?

she has been to aa before and her plan was to drink all the alcohol she had and then go the next day. she has endured a lot of grief in her life for her drinking from her family and friends, so I thought ok, good idea. her drinking never really bothered me nor did I even notice when she was drinking before. and she did it every day. but it didn’t seem to be a problem for me and I wondered why was everyone so uptight about it. she is a grown woman who has seen her share of shit in life and in my mind, if she wanted to drink well what was that to me. my definition of an alcoholic is: when someone drinks and bad things happen to them and/ or through them. I never noted that bad things happened when she drank and even after last night, the worst of it was she was annoying. I solved that by removing myself from her presence.

but here she was in front of me the next morning, obviously shaken by what she did last night. there surely was more to this episode that my tiny uninformed brain could grasp. I set about supporting her in her bid to get sober. she did indeed drink the rest of her whiskey and some wine that night until it was all gone. empty bottles in the trash.

her journey did not really start until cocktail hour on the first day. she was nauseous, headachy, irritated, jumpy. she came home from her first meeting and said it was like she had never left. there was a banner she had made during one of her sobriety attempts that was still hanging in the room where she had left it years ago. she reconnected with the regulars who all seemed happy to see her. she seemed relieved to have made this decision.

the first week was marked by sleeplessness, tormented aggravation, perpetual persistent activity, indigestion, loss of appetite. I tried to help as best I could, even giving her the rest of my Ativan so she could at least just sit there and get some tiny amount of relief. she seemed to be alright during the day but when five pm approached, she returned to her state of torment. thank god the meetings were at five pm also and really they seemed to help a lot.

week two was better. she seemed to stabilize and was preoccupied with life in general. she had just moved so her hobby became unpacking boxes, setting up her new home, avoiding her family, going to church, her up coming baptism. her family situation was standing out as inharmonious to her sobriety. she knew these people acted as triggers that helped her to crave a drink. so avoiding them was a daily activity that kept her busy. she and I spent much time together, happily chatting or watching TV.

week three is when things started to go downhill. no longer was I able to maintain any conversation with her. she became sleepless again. she was defensive towards me. anything I said was met with a snappy hostile response. so I started shutting up. she stopped going meetings, and I stopped asking if she was going to go. five o’clock would come and go with no move from her to get to the meeting. I’ll go tomorrow she said. but tomorrow never came.

she had had a bad day inside week two, the day of our baptism. it had been a long day, we had gone to church that morning, attended a cookout with her family that afternoon and the ceremony was scheduled for 6pm. as I watched her through the lens of my camera at the cookout and had the opportunity to take some photos of her with her granddaughter, I started to understand today was going to be bad for her. her family acts as some kind of kryptonite towards her well being. to the untrained eye there seems to be no real issue. but every word, every action every piece of information stabbed her straight in the heart. it was all over once she realized she was not going to get a four generation photo today because there already was one, and she wasn’t in it.

on the way to the park she was struggling something fierce. she almost asked me to stop so she could get booze. this day it was all she could do to not crawl up inside that bottle and die there. I was impressed with her resolve. I still did not get the seriousness of this day. as of this day she began her descent into drinking again.

yesterday she brought home a bottle. as she drew it from the bag in front of me I said uh-oh. she said no worries. I have decided to have a drink. she said she considered not telling me, hiding it from me. she says it was only a momentary thought but I have my doubts. she seemed awkward and embarrassed. I didn’t know what to say or do. then I remembered what she had told me to do if she was relapsing. read to me from the one day at a time book. so I did. and while reading aloud to her she sat politely listening as I randomly read pages to her. I realized the words in this book could be taken in two different ways. one way could have been an aha moment for her where she realized she doesn’t have to drink again and her higher power could intervene if she let him. the other way the words came out was hey if you’re thinking of taking a drink, no big deal, it happens all the time.

the other thing she said I could do was ask her if there was someone she could call. so I said is there someone you can call. she said sure there are plenty of people I can call but I have spent my last twenty dollars on this bottle and I have no minutes on my phone.  and she said, I have made this decision consciously to have a drink. I am taking ownership of this move. there is nothing anyone can say or do to change my mind.

so here we are. she seems to relish in the putting off of the consumption. she waited until several hours after coming home with the drink to actually have the drink. she seems to feel she has control over the situation. she and I are barely speaking because she only answers a direct question with a terse response. there is no casual easygoing feel to this day. I am acutely aware of her discomfort. I have never been in this situation before and I feel like an idiot for not knowing how to deal with it. I certainly don’t feel like I have any ownership in her decision to drink or not to drink. I don’t know how to help her to be comfortable. I pray and hope that she will somehow come to terms with this surrender back to alcohol. I don’t want her to suffer. I don’t want me to suffer. in an attempt to understand what I cannot comprehend, here is some info I have found. eleven steps to a relapse:

Change in Attitude – For some reason you decide that participating in your recovery program is just not as important as it was. You may begin to return to what some call “stinking thinking” or unhealthy or addictive thinking. Basically, you are not working your program as you did previously. You feel something is wrong, but can’t identify exactly what it is.

Elevated Stress – An increase in stress in your life can be due to a major change in circumstances or just little things building up. Returning to the “real world” after a stint in residential treatment can present many stressful situations. The danger is if you begin over-reacting to those situations. Be careful if you begin to have mood swings and exaggerated positive or negative feelings.

Reactivation of Denial – This is not denial that you have a drug or alcohol problem, it’s denial that the stress is getting to you. You try to convince yourself that everything is OK, but it’s not. You may be scared or worried, but you dismiss those feelings and you stop sharing those feelings with others. This is dangerous because this denial is very similar to denial of drug addiction or abuse.

Recurrence of Postacute Withdrawal Symptoms – Anxiety, depression, sleeplessness and memory loss can continue long after you quit drinking or doing drugs. Known as postacute withdrawal symptoms these symptoms can return during times of stress. They are dangerous because you may be tempted to self-medicate them with alcohol or drugs.

Behavior Change – You may begin to change the daily routine that you developed in early sobriety that helped you replace your compulsive behaviors with healthy alternatives. You might begin to practice avoidance or become defensive in situations that call for an honest evaluation of your behavior. You could begin using poor judgment and causing yourself problems due to impulsive behavior without thinking things through.

Social Breakdown – You may begin feeling uncomfortable around others and making excuses not to socialize. You stop hanging around sober friends or you withdraw from family members. You stop going to your support group meetings or you cut way back on the number of meetings you attend. You begin to isolate yourself.

Loss of Structure – You begin to completely abandon the daily routine or schedule that you developed in early sobriety. You may begin sleeping late, or ignoring personal hygiene or skipping meals. You stop making constructive plans and when the plans you do make don’t work out, you overreact. You begin focusing on one small part of life to the exclusion of everything else.

Loss of Judgment – You begin to have trouble making decisions or you make unhealthy decisions. You may experience difficulty in managing your feelings and emotions. It may be hard to think clearly and you become confused easily. You may feel overwhelmed for no apparent reason or not being able to relax. You may become annoyed or angry easily.

Loss of Control – You make irrational choices and are unable to interrupt or alter those choices. You begin to actively cut off people who can help you. You begin to think that you can return to social drinking and recreational drug use and you can control it. You may begin to believe there is no hope. You lose confidence in your ability to manage your life.

Loss of Options – You begin to limit your options. You stop attending all meetings with counselors and your support groups and discontinue any pharmacotherapy treatments. You may feel loneliness, frustration, anger, resentment and tension. You might feel helpless and desperate. You come to believe that there are only three ways out: insanity, suicide, or self-medication with alcohol or drugs.

Relapse – You attempt controlled, “social” or short-term alcohol or drug use, but you are disappointed at the results and immediately experience shame and guilt. You quickly lose control and your alcohol and drug use spirals further out of control. This causes you increasing problems with relationships, jobs, money, mental and physical health. You need help getting sober again.

oh my friend. I miss you. I love you. I am here for you as much as you are here for me. drink. don’t drink. do what you want to do. just don’t shut me out like you are right now. it really hurts. I didn’t do anything to deserve your dismissal. this is where we are today.

if you were my daughter…..

if you were my daughter…..

beautiful, kind, caring, talented. she was all these and a bag of chips. she finds herself in a bad position today. her status weighs heavily on her mind. she knows she loves him madly and she fears she won’t love someone else as much or even at all. she has loved before and when this girl loves, she loves hard. she gives her all in the hope someone will return to her the same level of passion. she has been disappointed in this quest so far.

in her 26 years on this earth, she has yet to find the perfect love, the equal balance, the answer to her prayers. this is her third major attempt at romantic love and here she finds the very same letdown she has suffered through before. he has made it clear that he doesn’t want children. he has seen his share of bad parenting in his life and he is harshly committed to not bringing life to this earth to suffer the same as he and his siblings did and still do and always will.

she has wanted children since she was old enough to understand the concept of parenting. she held, cooed to, lovingly cared for her baby dolls from a very young age. random people would stop her mother and ask, does she babysit? she is so good with my child! her mother would patiently point out, she’s only 6. or 8. or 10.

having her own child is an ache that won’t let her be. her body reacts violently to the presence of a baby. she feels the longing, the physical pain of her insides as she has to assimilate, over and again, that she is nowhere near producing her child. she feels her eggs actually crying out to her, mommy, mommy…………………….

sometimes she gives in to her emotions, finding a private room to sob her guts out. she is so consumed by grief that she is not sure that she can go on. what is the point of this life, she cries. she is absolutely sure no one knows how she feels. she is terrified of her upcoming birthday with no diamond on her hand, no precious bun in the oven. no hope on the horizon. as she approaches thirty years of age she feels like she is on an out of control roller coaster, no brakes, no sympathy. just mind numbing speed and pain as she nears her self appointed deadline.

she is a talented hair stylist. all day long people sit down in front of her to help themselves to feel beautiful. but with each new client she must endure the barage of questions. so, are you married? no. are you engaged? no. do you have a boyfriend? at least she can say yes to this one. do you have any children? pow, right in the gut. fighting back her emotions, she croaks out, no.

she valiantly attempts to redirect the conversation to them. she has a whole list of questions in her arsenal, all they have to do is hear the right one and off they will go blah blahing away until she can complete their service and get them off her back. it is an hourly assault waged upon her status in life. she seems calmly collected and confident as she fights this daily battle. but on the inside she is dying. once in a while, she has to go and cry in the ladies room.

she spends a lot of her time comparing herself to other people. she has never felt good enough, thin enough, pretty enough. she has observed her oldest and dearest friends have babies without an ounce

of effort. one of these friends lives in her moms musty basement, has no job, no relationship with the babys father. another friend had her son right out of high school. without a speck of self support, this friend had her baby and is now engaged and planning on another child. even her best friend, once thought infertile, had a child. no resources, no planning, no effort. it kills her. she loves her friends, she loves their children but when she has to be with them, she is slowly dying a violent, pain filled death all the while smiling and laughing, no one being the wiser. only she knows the depth of despair at which she operates.

she comes by her self loathing honestly. it has been imprinted upon her soul that she is indeed not pretty enough, not worthy enough to have and hold what she wants so desperately. the world has made it quite clear what the expectations are. the media, her peers, her fathers. from this poisonous input she has developed her self image of an ugly, fat loser, not where the world believes she should be. tsk tsk they say. such potential…what on earth could be wrong with her. she has perfected her social mask so not even her beloved boyfriend can really tell what is happening with her. the only person on the earth she can share these feelings with is her mom. but even there she holds back. oh once in a while she will call and ask her mom what is wrong with me, why can’t I have what I want. she doesn’t want to hear the answer.

she did this just yesterday, reaching out to her mom, asking for some time. they met at a beach her mom used to take her when she was younger. she laid out her problem in terms of money. she lamented about how he doesn’t want to work, he doesn’t want to step up. she has given him a deadline for the end of this year to produce a ring. a ring that she claims she will gladly pay for herself if only he would ask her the big question.

she wants him to willingly say, with tears misting his eyes, bent down on one knee, softly… you are my one and only for ever and ever. I can’t picture my life without you, I want all of you, all to myself until my eyes close forever. I want to make babies with you and struggle the fight of life with you and only you. nothing else matters. then slip the diamond onto her hand. she doesn’t even really care about actually getting married. she only needs the validation that comes with the question – will you be mine and only mine, because I deem you worthy. her mom was almost completely silent in this conversation, she knows her dear daughter does not want to hear the truth so she quietly listens, offering no real advice.

if I were this precious creatures mother what would I tell her? how could I say what she needs to hear without offending her, without alienating her forever. this is a delicate tightrope act that millions of mothers have had to walk. moms know there is a time in their daughters life when the advice that comes forth sounds like condemnation. feels like censure. borders on blame and incites a battle. so here come I with my bit of knowledge, my sum of experience put together after 53 years of life for whatever it’s worth:

dear girl, you must break up with this boy. give him to the end of the year if you want but he will not change his opinions. they are forged in steel. even if he does give in to your demands, he will be a miserable and unwilling partner. he has made his position crystal clear. I know he’s handsome. I know

he’s cool. I know he has almost all the qualities you desire in a partner. except the most important one. commitment. nothing you ever do or say is going to change him. I know he loves you. but I also know he doesn’t love you enough. and it’s not his fault. he was handed his destiny and there is the only one thing he feels he has any control over. his genes. he watched his own father discard and disregard his mom. he was the youngest of four very troubled children with a childlike mother and a mentally challenged, deadbeat dad. he learned real early that the secret to his life was to check out. he seeks a permanent vacation from life and responsibility. nothing you will ever do or say will change that. all of this dysfunction hasn’t got the slightest thing to do with you. you were a happy accident for him. he would have never pursued you if you didn’t go after him first. once you let him go, he will never be in a relationship again. it’s a lot of work. and we know how this boy feels about work. he won’t do it. aren’t you doing all the work in this relationship right now? paying for everything? planning everything? imagine adding a child to this mix. do you feel overwhelmed now? just wait. you can’t imagine how bad things could really get. get out now.

all that being said, here is the good news. there is a man out there in the world right now, wondering where you are. he has been around a bit, dated some girls and found them to be just not quite right. he is the kind of guy who is willing to put time into someone just to see if they could make a go of it. he wants the whole package. beauty. intelligence. self sufficiency. someone who longs to be a mother. someone he could grow old with. someone who would be loyal, trustworthy, funny, willing to go out on a limb for him. he is tall, he is handsome, he is cool. he doesn’t fold his laundry. he mows the lawn. he has a career and a plan for financial well being. he wants dogs and cats and babies and a house.

he is looking for YOU. and you can’t be found because you are investing time and energy into someone who doesn’t share your goals and dreams. you are doing this pointless dance because you haven’t got a single clue as to your immense worth and value. you have believed every lie ever told to you by the media, your peers and your fathers. you have chugged down the kool-aid and asked for a second helping. and you are a miserable creature. you are unwilling to believe the universe has a beautiful plan for your life.

if you were my daughter, I would tell you to believe in yourself. take the leap of faith that is necessary. stop wasting time. stop pursuing the unattainable. listen when someone tells you who they are and act upon the information. believe that you are like a treasure hid in a field. the which when a man finds it he goes and sells all he has and buys the field with joy. because he knows he has found his treasure and is willing to go to any lengths to keep it forever. any lengths. do, say and enlist every avenue of opportunity to find what your looking for. for we only pass by this way once.

you are still young enough to see all your dreams come true. you still have plenty of time. don’t worry that you won’t love again. you will and it will be glorious. tell the universe that you are ready. ask the universe for its’ help. ask this out loud, several times a day. then thank the universe for the gifts it has given to you. thank it for the resources it has loaned you. look in the mirror today and tell that girl she is lovely and loveable and loved. smile at her. look into her eyes and tell her everything is going to be ok. remember that needing nothing attracts everything.

and last but not least, kiss and hug and hold every baby you see. just make sure to ask the mom first.

Cancer Schmancer

Cancer Shmancer

Have you ever had a deadly disease? I and approximately millions more have had cancer and other equally, if not worse, diseases and maladies that could or would kill you. Not just the illness but the treatments thereof, that will leave you broken, maimed or simply dead. Since being diagnosed in March 2013, I have lived through 2 Pink-tobers that have left me with my head shaking in disgust as I watch every retail outlet sell pink crap that supposedly raises awareness for the disease. I have heard people say to me, oh you at least got the good cancer.

First of all, is there really a good cancer? Who decided this? was is Satan? It is now December 2014 and I am here to tell you that there is nothing good about this disease. I have lost both breasts, gone through the seventh circle of hell known as chemotherapy, had painful tissue expanders implanted in my chest area for 1 year only to have them replaced with what are now my painful silicone lumps. These “breasts” or as I call them, Beasts, are sitting where I used to have actual body parts and the best thing I can say is they look damn good in a shirt. Uncover them and what you find are 2 mummified baby heads with stem to stern scars across each. I am not in a relationship now and have not been for about 4 years. I can’t even imagine showing these sad bumps to any man ever.

Then there is the issue of October being breast cancer awareness month. I am appalled that folks think by purchasing a pink t-shirt and ball cap, or a pink keychain or any other manner of pink garbage, that they somehow feel the disease is being handled, maybe even cured. When you make a donation to any organized charity, you are empowering and financially supporting a group of suits to have a job. Which, by the way, I was fired from my job because of cancer. Thank goodness the Pink-tober employees will still get a paycheck. Here’s what my former employer told me as he fired me, after I fought tooth and nail to show up for my job while still feeling death in my veins: ‘I can’t be sure you won’t get sick again’ along with ‘ I have lost confidence in your ability to do your job’. What? you mean when I was bald as an eagle and gray skinned and had lost my finger and toenails and had thrush in my face and throat for eight months and unable to concentrate on anything for more than a minute due to the chemo eating my body and brain, this has made you worry for your landscaping business?? If you asked anyone who knows him he would be described as the salt of the earth….

Finally there comes a point when, for the most part, you have lived through your disease, your hair is grown in somewhat, no longer going to multiple doctors visits per week, no more surgeries on the docket, that everyone is ready for you to be well. Oh so very well. They don’t seem to want to talk to me in fear that I’ll bring up that now boring topic of how I really feel. Everything is better now, right? they ask hopefully and with shining, fearful eyes. They don’t want to hear the answer. Even my own family members will not say to me, how are you? They, along with everyone else has had enough of it already and I have developed several pat answers so as not to make anyone uncomfortable.

It’s not like I want to talk about feeling unwell or the fact that I can hold my upper body upright for only a couple of hours at a time before I need to retreat to my hidey hole and sit with 4 pillows supporting me. Quite often, I have nothing at all to say to anyone. Then there is that little voice in my head at 4am that says, maybe the cancer has returned. I have been assured that if any issues arise in my tissues, I will be a stage 4 metastasized mess with no treatment plan on any horizon. Having the triple negative kind of BC limits any future options for me personally.

Finally, I can say that I survived cancer…for now. I can say I have boobs…but they are problematic. I can get another job eventually….but do I tell them about my situation. I can hang out with friends….as long as I say I feel great. So I live my life quietly, I don’t make too many plans because I don’t know if I will feel well enough to do them when they roll around. I don’t know what the future holds for me which helps me to feel like everyone else on the planet…so I live day to day to day trying to pay my bills on unemployment income. I plan my days so I can go home to my comfy spot as soon as I need to. And I don’t ask anyone how they are doing just so they might not ask me the same question. I know nobody wants to hear my real answer anyway.



she said she did not see them until she touched them.

As I sat up I felt as though I had just awakened from a nap. I knew that I had been totally awake for the entire hour that the Reiki session took. I had been concentrating on my intention for the healing, which was to excavate my stony heart. I knew my heart was close to dead and I needed to find a way to reawaken it. I lay in the darkened room underneath the thick layer of blankets listening to the enchanting music she played on her little boombox. I felt unable to move but it was ok. I was aware of her movements as she floated her hands over me. I was unable to open my eyes but I felt like I could see her anyway. To begin she had me laying on my back, and as I repeated over and over in my head, please help me revive my dead heart, it’s been broken too many times and I can’t feel it anymore, I knew when she came to my heart area and she did spend what seemed like a long time there. The only words she spoke during the session were to tell me to flip over to lay on my front.

I continued to pray for my broken heart as I lay there. Time seemed to stand still and all I could hear was the tinkling sounds of her music. After what seemed like a very pleasant forever, she said it’s finished, when you feel ready, please sit up but do it slowly, take your time.

I felt groggy and exhausted as though I had been through something significant. I managed to sit up and she was right there next to me saying, are you all right? I said, I’m alright, at least I think I am. I paused and tried to orient myself back to life. I looked at her and she seemed to be intently staring at me so I said to her, Are you all right? She said, oh yes, I’m fine. She is still staring at me in kind of an odd way so I say, is there anything I need to know? After a long pause, she said this:

I was drawn to your heart and your wings. There was much pain in your heart, something dark you could not get past. A great deal of healing and restoration has occurred in your heart and it has been reawakened.

As I listened to her I thought, great! my heart isn’t dead, there is still hope for me! I was happy and I felt like I could actually feel my heart moving around inside my chest. Then I thought, wait, what was that about wings…I struggled to wrap my mind around it, I’m still groggy, maybe I misheard her. so I said, did you say something about wings? My wings? What does that mean? That I have wings? She said, Oh yes. I said, what? I knew about the heart problem, I came in here with the intention of healing it because I knew it was broken and wounded, But, wings?? I asked her to explain.

She said this: your wings also needed healing. She then took her hand and outlined them. She said they are very large, the left one is larger than the right. There are long, very long white feathers and the right one is wounded. I said can you still see them? She said, oh yes, I will always see them. I asked, did you see them before when I walked toward you and greeted you? She said, oh no, I didn’t see them until I touched them. Now I will always see them.

Needless to say, my head is spinning a bit at this point. I can’t tell if this is really happening or what. I’m trying to think of my next question so I come up with, does everyone have wings? She says, oh no, in all my years I’ve only ever touched one other pair of wings. I ask her again, do you still see them? She patiently answers, yes I see them. I ask, why can’t I see them? I don’t know, she says. But they are there.

They are very long and they drag on the floor. She said you are a new spirit here on earth. You spend a lot of time not knowing what to do because you are only here accidentally. You fell here because of the wounded wing. You don’t know what you are doing.

That made some sense to me and I said is that why I feel like a five year old most of the time? She answered, oh you gave me a chill when you said that and then said, yes that’s why you feel like that.Then she told an Indian chant to say when I feel five years old and even sang it to me. I really didn’t know what else to ask her, she really didn’t know what more to say to me either. I enquired about the other wings she had touched and she said the other woman with wings had gone to a medium after she learned of her wings. The medium told her there was a war in heaven and she was singing in a choir and when the war shook heaven she toppled down to earth. I asked is that what happened to me? She said she only knew what she told me and if I wanted to learn more I would need some other psychic intervention. But I should only do that if I really felt the need to know more because for whatever reason you are here and here you will stay until it’s time for you to go to the next place.

Walking away from her I immediately forgot the Indian chant she taught me. I reasoned to myself, maybe she sees that I have a desire to help people and metaphorically translated that sense to angel wings. After a couple of months of puzzling over this information, I have decided that if there is more to it, it will come to me in time. I haven’t told too many people about this encounter and most of the reaction I got was hmmmmmm……ohhhhkayyyyyyy………I still look to see if I can see them but so far no. But she can see them and she always will.


This is a message given to me through Pastor Emile Samuel in August, 2014:

the Lord says unto you:

I know quite well what you have gone through in the past years. the enemy had a wicked plan to cause woundedness in your life. and you were crying out unto Me saying Lord! I’m wounded…and I have been stabbed in my dignity.

and you were really a miserable creature. But the Lord say to you: you are no more a miserable creature. You are the happiest creature. Because you have forgotten what happened in your life. And now, you are hopeful because the wounded is not…the woundedness is no more!

And I wanna assure you! that you will be a forerunner in my kingdom…and I will enlist you among my spiritual warriors!

And your dear ones- you will have input and impact on them. And I will….let you…speak and address many who are still in the darkness…

The Lord says: I will bless a business you will be…you will be Involved in.

Says the Lord: Amen!

What you have just read is the content of a message given to me through Pastor Emile, from the mouth of God. The next set of words are my own, in response to God talking to me through this prophet.

And he gave some, Apostles: and some, Prophets: and some Evangelists’; and some pastors and teachers. For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the Body of Christ. Ephesians 4:11-12

Pastor Emile Samuel is a prophetic minister currently based in Vancouver, Canada, and associated with “Watchmen for the Nations” ministry. He grew up in Egypt, where he pastored 2 different Assemblies of God churches in 2 different cities in Egypt over a 20 years period. During that time the Lord used him powerfully in prophetic ministry and those who have had the opportunity to be around him and be ministered to, began to recognize him as a prophet of God. In the early nineties, the Lord opened the door of International ministry to Pastor Emile, where he ministered extensively in the US, Canada, England, France, Switzerland, Germany, Israel, Singapore, Russia, Kenya, Hong Kong, China, Malaysia, and Australia. Recipients of his ministry recognized him as a prophet of God. The Lord had called pastor Emile to leave the pastorate, be based in Canada, and minister where the Lord would lead him. Pastor Emile’s heart is to exhort and prepare the body of Christ for such a time like this, as the Spirit of the Lord is moving on the hearts of His people worldwide, calling His bride to wholeheartedness, holiness, and a return to their first love. A time when Christ is preparing a spotless and blameless bride for Himself.

I share this message with everyone because I believe that when God speaks to one of us, He is speaking to all of us. If you are reading this then this message is for you. I believe God speaks to everyone. I don’t think He has stopped speaking to us as many people seem to believe. He had an awful lot to say to us in the bible, which is His word to each of us. You and I can read the same phrase in the bible and it has a different meaning to me than it does to you. Actually, I can read something one day and find it pertains to one thing, then read the same passage another day and it holds a whole new meaning. The bible is the main form of communication that He uses but He uses other methods as well. He comes to some in dreams or visions. He is that voice in your head or in your gut that you always wondered, who is that? is it me? Nope it’s not you! It’s Him! and He is leading you and guiding you and standing beside you. He is telling you what is the best thing to do. It’s completely up to us to acknowledge and accept it for what it is. And then to act upon the advice you are being given. That free will thing. It’s a blessing or a curse. He leaves it to us to make the final decision. I will now deconstruct this prophetic message as I believe it pertains to me.

I know QUITE WELL what you have gone through in the past years.

What a feeling came over me when I heard that! He knows! With everything that goes on in the world from minute to minute, He knows what I went through. The one thing I was sure of in the past was that God did not know what was happening to me. I was convinced He didn’t even exist because of my circumstances. If he did exist, then He didn’t care about me. If He didn’t exist, I could somehow accept the fact that I was all alone and there would be no help. From my very early years I would say out loud, God you have made a mistake by putting me here with these people, they hate me, please help me. All I heard was silence. I remember crying hot, slow tears of anguish and feeling abandoned by the whole world.

The enemy had a wicked plan to cause WOUNDEDNESS in your life.

My parents divorced when my sister and I were 3 and 2 years old, respectively. My mom remarried a predatory pedophile and had my brother with him. The enemy used all 3 of these people to torture me. He utilized their weaknesses in his daily attacks on me. He had a wicked plan that was going quite well in his estimation. I was raised in an atmosphere of pain, degradation and humiliation.

And you were crying out to me saying Lord! I’m wounded…and I have been stabbed in my dignity.

The sexual abuse I endured at the hand of the enemy through my stepfather started at 3 years old and continued to 16 years old. The emotional and physical abuse I endured at the hand of the enemy through my mother started at birth and continued until I left home at 16. The abandonment and disregard I endured at the hand of the enemy through my biological father, who I didn’t even know existed until I was 9 or 10 years old, still remains even until this day. Stabbed in my dignity indeed! The abuse I endured all those years set me up to seek dangerous and destructive relationships until the age of 28. I felt useless, unloved and unloveable, an unwanted stain on the face of humanity.

And you were Really a miserable creature!

Oh Father, only you really know the extent of miserableness I felt and displayed. I denounced You, I blasphemed You, I cursed You. Whenever I was asked about my opinion of You, I took every opportunity to say that if You really existed, You must really hate me for everything that You allowed me to suffer. I said, through my pain, there is no God! But, through Your graciousness You only referred to all that hatred by saying I was really a miserable creature.

But the Lord say to you: you are no more a miserable creature. You are the happiest creature.

My miserable existence started to abate 3 1/2 years ago, when I divorced my husband. He was the last person in a long line of people that had the close access to my feelings the enemy needed to continue his persecution of me. Suddenly, I was truly alone with myself. I unwittingly started a course of self examination like never before. I was the only one left in my life. Family and friends worried over my extreme isolationist behavior. I can’t say that instantly I was the happiest creature, I had a full set of baggage to drag along with me, weighing me down, tripping me up.

Because you have forgotten what happened in your life.

Today I have forgotten how to let what happened in my life affect my daily existence. The only time that remembering happens to me now is when I am in front of another wounded person and I can allow my former mess to become a message. A message of empathy, a word of simple kindness to say to another human, I see you, I hear you, you matter. Words we all long to hear. I sure did.

And now, you are hopeful because the wounded is not..the woundedness is no more!

I laughed out loud when Pastor Emile said this because I am hopeful! and I now know that the devil cannot control a peaceful, steady fearless believer whose confidence is in the Lord! Additionally, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in whatever way the opportunity presents itself to me, I am here to give away the love that I never got. Hopeful? Oh yes.

And I wanna assure you! that you will be a forerunner in my kingdom and I will enlist you among my spiritual warriors!

I’m not exactly sure how this will come to pass. I do know that my Father has an excellent plan for my life and His timing is perfect. I now realize that God is not usually early but He is never, ever late. Pastor Emile told me: Be Prepared! I didn’t ask him how to do that but I have confidence that if I stop trying and start trusting, the way will become clear as I approach it. Joseph Campbell said this: 1.) Listen. 2.) Pay attention to the assignments. 3.) Show up for the assignments. Good advice.

And your dear ones- you will have input and impact on them.

There are two dear ones that came to mind upon hearing this. My precious daughter and my equally precious future son in law. My daughter was raised with an atheistic mother. I gave her my impressions of God as she grew up and I led her to believe that the bible was a story told by people long dead. The story could not be verified so probably wasn’t true. She wanted to understand God, but since I didn’t, she went with that. This created a void in her soul and she has been left to her own devices regarding God. She is an adult now and though she acts like it’s not so, she still listens to what I have to say. I know that God has a beautiful plan for them and that He is just waiting for them to knock on the door.

And I will…let you…speak and address many who are still in the darkness.

This is a specific answer to a prayer I have been uttering. Last year, I was told that I have cancer. This information was given to me over the phone as I sat at my desk at my job. I was alone in the building, the phone held to my left ear. Upon hearing the words, you have cancer, in one ear, I heard someone say quite loudly in my right ear, I will never leave you or forsake you. I was startled at the voice I heard. I searched the building for whoever might have said it. No one was there. I didn’t tell anyone about the voice. Until recently when I told my doctor about it. Turns out, my doctor is a Christian. I never knew that about him because his bedside manner was not all that friendly through the 3 years I had been seeing him. I don’t know what possessed me to tell him, but I did. He believes this story must be told. I was conflicted about it because as it turns out, not too many people actually hear God speaking to them.

The Lord says: I will bless a business you will be…you will be involved in.

This must truly be a prophetic message because I am not involved in any business right now. I recently lost my job of 14 years and I firmly believe that God removed me from that place for my best interest. I am attending school to obtain my GED, something the enemy attempted to steal from me but now God is making right. I have become a part of a church which is a truly uplifting experience and another aspect of my life which the devil intended for my harm. I was recently baptized and have become filled with the Holy Spirit. I have stated that I feel it’s time to get on with Gods business, which involves the telling of my story. I feel Gods guidance in every area of my life these days and wherever that takes me, I am willing to go. I am busy trusting Him every day. Everything that I am involved in is leading me to something great and I can hardly wait to see what happens.

Says the Lord-AMEN!

So again I say this is my interpretation of this message from God to me. It is also a message from God to you through me. What a wonderful gift we are being given, to hear the Lord speak to us. I sincerely believe He speaks to each and every one of us every day. What we must do is find a way to become quiet enough to hear it. Don’t wait until you have some terrible diagnosis or tragedy in your life to hear Him. There are so many voices in our world today telling us do this, buy this, be like her, earn this much and on and on. But there is only one God and He is waiting for you to ask Him to lead you to greatness. And He will not ever leave you or forsake you. The promises of God are for whosoever will. He wants to give you peace of mind. Jesus said: Peace I leave with you; my own peace I now give and bequeath unto you. Do not let your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid. Not as the world gives, do I give unto you. But MY peace is what I leave you. He also said: Cheer up! for I have overcome this world. There are so many promises in Gods word for each of us. Cast your cares upon Him, because He cares for you. And all He wants is for us to love Him with all your heart, strength, soul and mind and love your neighbor as you love yourself. He already knows everything you have ever done and will ever do. He knows what you need long before you do. Your name is tattooed on His palm. He leaves that final decision up to us. He will not force Himself into your life. He must be asked in. And in the meantime He is quietly looking out for your best interests.