if you were my daughter…..
beautiful, kind, caring, talented. she was all these and a bag of chips. she finds herself in a bad position today. her status weighs heavily on her mind. she knows she loves him madly and she fears she won’t love someone else as much or even at all. she has loved before and when this girl loves, she loves hard. she gives her all in the hope someone will return to her the same level of passion. she has been disappointed in this quest so far.
in her 26 years on this earth, she has yet to find the perfect love, the equal balance, the answer to her prayers. this is her third major attempt at romantic love and here she finds the very same letdown she has suffered through before. he has made it clear that he doesn’t want children. he has seen his share of bad parenting in his life and he is harshly committed to not bringing life to this earth to suffer the same as he and his siblings did and still do and always will.
she has wanted children since she was old enough to understand the concept of parenting. she held, cooed to, lovingly cared for her baby dolls from a very young age. random people would stop her mother and ask, does she babysit? she is so good with my child! her mother would patiently point out, she’s only 6. or 8. or 10.
having her own child is an ache that won’t let her be. her body reacts violently to the presence of a baby. she feels the longing, the physical pain of her insides as she has to assimilate, over and again, that she is nowhere near producing her child. she feels her eggs actually crying out to her, mommy, mommy…………………….
sometimes she gives in to her emotions, finding a private room to sob her guts out. she is so consumed by grief that she is not sure that she can go on. what is the point of this life, she cries. she is absolutely sure no one knows how she feels. she is terrified of her upcoming birthday with no diamond on her hand, no precious bun in the oven. no hope on the horizon. as she approaches thirty years of age she feels like she is on an out of control roller coaster, no brakes, no sympathy. just mind numbing speed and pain as she nears her self appointed deadline.
she is a talented hair stylist. all day long people sit down in front of her to help themselves to feel beautiful. but with each new client she must endure the barage of questions. so, are you married? no. are you engaged? no. do you have a boyfriend? at least she can say yes to this one. do you have any children? pow, right in the gut. fighting back her emotions, she croaks out, no.
she valiantly attempts to redirect the conversation to them. she has a whole list of questions in her arsenal, all they have to do is hear the right one and off they will go blah blahing away until she can complete their service and get them off her back. it is an hourly assault waged upon her status in life. she seems calmly collected and confident as she fights this daily battle. but on the inside she is dying. once in a while, she has to go and cry in the ladies room.
she spends a lot of her time comparing herself to other people. she has never felt good enough, thin enough, pretty enough. she has observed her oldest and dearest friends have babies without an ounce
of effort. one of these friends lives in her moms musty basement, has no job, no relationship with the babys father. another friend had her son right out of high school. without a speck of self support, this friend had her baby and is now engaged and planning on another child. even her best friend, once thought infertile, had a child. no resources, no planning, no effort. it kills her. she loves her friends, she loves their children but when she has to be with them, she is slowly dying a violent, pain filled death all the while smiling and laughing, no one being the wiser. only she knows the depth of despair at which she operates.
she comes by her self loathing honestly. it has been imprinted upon her soul that she is indeed not pretty enough, not worthy enough to have and hold what she wants so desperately. the world has made it quite clear what the expectations are. the media, her peers, her fathers. from this poisonous input she has developed her self image of an ugly, fat loser, not where the world believes she should be. tsk tsk they say. such potential…what on earth could be wrong with her. she has perfected her social mask so not even her beloved boyfriend can really tell what is happening with her. the only person on the earth she can share these feelings with is her mom. but even there she holds back. oh once in a while she will call and ask her mom what is wrong with me, why can’t I have what I want. she doesn’t want to hear the answer.
she did this just yesterday, reaching out to her mom, asking for some time. they met at a beach her mom used to take her when she was younger. she laid out her problem in terms of money. she lamented about how he doesn’t want to work, he doesn’t want to step up. she has given him a deadline for the end of this year to produce a ring. a ring that she claims she will gladly pay for herself if only he would ask her the big question.
she wants him to willingly say, with tears misting his eyes, bent down on one knee, softly… you are my one and only for ever and ever. I can’t picture my life without you, I want all of you, all to myself until my eyes close forever. I want to make babies with you and struggle the fight of life with you and only you. nothing else matters. then slip the diamond onto her hand. she doesn’t even really care about actually getting married. she only needs the validation that comes with the question – will you be mine and only mine, because I deem you worthy. her mom was almost completely silent in this conversation, she knows her dear daughter does not want to hear the truth so she quietly listens, offering no real advice.
if I were this precious creatures mother what would I tell her? how could I say what she needs to hear without offending her, without alienating her forever. this is a delicate tightrope act that millions of mothers have had to walk. moms know there is a time in their daughters life when the advice that comes forth sounds like condemnation. feels like censure. borders on blame and incites a battle. so here come I with my bit of knowledge, my sum of experience put together after 53 years of life for whatever it’s worth:
dear girl, you must break up with this boy. give him to the end of the year if you want but he will not change his opinions. they are forged in steel. even if he does give in to your demands, he will be a miserable and unwilling partner. he has made his position crystal clear. I know he’s handsome. I know
he’s cool. I know he has almost all the qualities you desire in a partner. except the most important one. commitment. nothing you ever do or say is going to change him. I know he loves you. but I also know he doesn’t love you enough. and it’s not his fault. he was handed his destiny and there is the only one thing he feels he has any control over. his genes. he watched his own father discard and disregard his mom. he was the youngest of four very troubled children with a childlike mother and a mentally challenged, deadbeat dad. he learned real early that the secret to his life was to check out. he seeks a permanent vacation from life and responsibility. nothing you will ever do or say will change that. all of this dysfunction hasn’t got the slightest thing to do with you. you were a happy accident for him. he would have never pursued you if you didn’t go after him first. once you let him go, he will never be in a relationship again. it’s a lot of work. and we know how this boy feels about work. he won’t do it. aren’t you doing all the work in this relationship right now? paying for everything? planning everything? imagine adding a child to this mix. do you feel overwhelmed now? just wait. you can’t imagine how bad things could really get. get out now.
all that being said, here is the good news. there is a man out there in the world right now, wondering where you are. he has been around a bit, dated some girls and found them to be just not quite right. he is the kind of guy who is willing to put time into someone just to see if they could make a go of it. he wants the whole package. beauty. intelligence. self sufficiency. someone who longs to be a mother. someone he could grow old with. someone who would be loyal, trustworthy, funny, willing to go out on a limb for him. he is tall, he is handsome, he is cool. he doesn’t fold his laundry. he mows the lawn. he has a career and a plan for financial well being. he wants dogs and cats and babies and a house.
he is looking for YOU. and you can’t be found because you are investing time and energy into someone who doesn’t share your goals and dreams. you are doing this pointless dance because you haven’t got a single clue as to your immense worth and value. you have believed every lie ever told to you by the media, your peers and your fathers. you have chugged down the kool-aid and asked for a second helping. and you are a miserable creature. you are unwilling to believe the universe has a beautiful plan for your life.
if you were my daughter, I would tell you to believe in yourself. take the leap of faith that is necessary. stop wasting time. stop pursuing the unattainable. listen when someone tells you who they are and act upon the information. believe that you are like a treasure hid in a field. the which when a man finds it he goes and sells all he has and buys the field with joy. because he knows he has found his treasure and is willing to go to any lengths to keep it forever. any lengths. do, say and enlist every avenue of opportunity to find what your looking for. for we only pass by this way once.
you are still young enough to see all your dreams come true. you still have plenty of time. don’t worry that you won’t love again. you will and it will be glorious. tell the universe that you are ready. ask the universe for its’ help. ask this out loud, several times a day. then thank the universe for the gifts it has given to you. thank it for the resources it has loaned you. look in the mirror today and tell that girl she is lovely and loveable and loved. smile at her. look into her eyes and tell her everything is going to be ok. remember that needing nothing attracts everything.
and last but not least, kiss and hug and hold every baby you see. just make sure to ask the mom first.