CWG-words from Neale Donald Walsh

I did not see another way to share this so I copied and pasted it to my blog. This is from Neale Donald Walsh, these are his words, not mine, but they are so good I had to share.

Enjoy…..

AND THE VOICE SAID: Today I shall tell you everything there is to know about Life. (Or, at least, everything that you’ll be able to understand Right Now.)

AND THE VOICE WENT ON…

We live within a System. We are this System. This System is run by a Process. We are this Process. This Process is fueled by Energy. We are this Energy.

There is nothing else going on.

There are one or two words that can be (and have been variously) used to describe this whole Cosmology. The word Life comes to mind. Then, as we elevate our thinking (which humans are prone to do), the word God . Both words refer to the Same Thing. You could say, with accuracy, “God is Energy.” Or, “God is a Process.” Or, “God is a System.” You could say, with accuracy, “Life is Energy.” Or, “Life is a Process.” Or, “Life is a System.”

Conversations with God says: God is a Process, and that Process is Life Itself. This statement is accurate.

So let’s explore this Process that God Is and that We Are.

It is a Process of Energy Exchange.

Energy — which is the Pure Essence of All That Is, All That Ever Was, and All That Ever Shall Be — is constantly being Exchanged. With what? With Itself. It never reaches outside of Itself. It could not if It wanted to, because nothing outside of Itself exists. That is, this Pure Essence is the All In All. It is the Sum Total of Everything. It is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the Before and the After, the Up and the Down of It, the Left and the Right of It, the Here and the There of It, the Now and the Then. It is the Sum and the Substance, the Creator and the Created, the Unified and the Individuated, It is the Unmoved Mover,

This Energy exchanges Itself with Itself in a never-ending Process that has built into it a Self-Sustaining Design, or a System. The Process is not helter-skelter. It is not catch-as-catch-can. The Process knows what It is doing and It is doing it deliberately.

There is a Synergism to this Process, and it is that Synergism which renders the process eternally sustainable. Within this Process nothing is wasted. Nothing is lost. Nothing goes unused. Everything is fuel. And the fuel is reburnable.

I call the reburning of Life’s Fuel – – Synergistic Energy eXchange — or S.E.X.

We are having SEX everywhere, all the time. No two people every meet without exchanging this Energy. Trust me. The question is never, Are we exchanging this Energy? The question is, What are we going to do with it…?

In human terms we call this Synergistic Energy eXchange the Cycle of Life. Indeed, it is the energy exchange which creates Life Itself. Our description is accurate.

In truth, it is impossible to create what we call New Life. All we can really do is cause the Life (Energy) that is eternally present to emerge in a New Form. This is exactly what Stars do in the heavens.

The evidence of all that I have just said is right up in the sky. (We know this, of course. That is why we intuitively look “to the heavens” when we think of “God.” That is why ours eyes instinctively go upward when we are thinking deeply, or desperately seeking help. Do you think this is an accident? It is not. At a cellular level, we know. )

In our case, in the case of this particular Solar System, we are looking at what we have called The Sun. (It is not a happenstance that earlier civilizations worshipped the Sun — and that some people still do today.)

The Sun is giving up its Life for us. It is burning Itself out, right now. True, it may take a few more billion years, but that is What It Is Doing. Make no mistake about it. That is what is going on.

One day the Light Will Go Out. Not to worry, though. Life in its miniscule expression known as Humanity will by that time have figured this whole thing out and will have been Long Gone. We will have found a way to harness the very energy that the Sun is sending us to get out of the Sun’s way when it finally implodes in its last burst of energy, then becoming a Black Hole. We will long before then have used that energy to propel ourselves to a New Star System, where a much younger Sun, perhaps one Just Born, will guarantee our species a few more billion years of survival in pretty much our present form. And when that Sun approaches Final Burst, we will move on again, like nomads of the Universe, like gypsies of the stars, like humans have done on this very earth, traipsing around for food (read that: energy ) when the local supply runs out.

What do you suppose we are eating here…? We are eating sunlight. That is what all food is. Nothing more than stored sunlight. It is not only plants that engage in the Process of photosynthesis, but all of us, everything. The Earth Itself does. We are absorbing energy from the Sun, and radiating it back out again. This is how flowers bloom. This is how trees grow. This is how planets become.

There is a huge boiler inside our planet, lying at its core. Sometimes a tiny bit of this core material oozes out, cooling considerably on its way, but still emerging as white hot molten lava. This core material is hotter than hot. It is the direct energy of the Sun, cooled at its fringes as it spewed forth to form the crust of what we now call The Earth.

As it cooled, some of this Energy liquified. We call this oil (among other things). Some of this Energy solidified. We call this minerals (among other things). Some of this Energy gasified. We call this hydrogen and oxygen (among other things). Some of this Energy vaporized. We call this ozone (among other things). Some of this Energy miniaturized and stored Itself in just about Everything. We call this vitamins (among other things). Some of this Energy maximized and showed Itself in just about Everything. We call this the Planet Itself (among other things).

We are this Energy, individualized. We are part of this eternal Process of Energy Exchange. In a sense, we eat ourselves in order to sustain ourselves. We need vitamins, so we eat plants and animals, and minerals and oils (fish oil capsules are very big these days). We draw the line at consuming ourselves — but cannibals once even did this, being so primitive as to not understand that eating one’s own species was not self-sustaining. When primitive humans finally figured this out, we took Each Other off the menu. Now we are gradually taking other Life Forms off the menu as well. Vegetarianism is, course, the outflow of that. The day may very well come when we take every Life Form on this planet off the menu. We will simply get our Energy directly from the Sun.

This may seem far-fetched to some, but it does not seem so to Hira Ratan Manek. You will find it interesting to Google Mr. Manek, and read what you find there.

The eyes are not merely the instruments through which we see. They are the instruments through which we intake Energy . They work in that capacity even if we are blind. They are the portals through which Life is Absorbed. They are not the only portals, not the only way we absorb Life Energy. But they are the Most Direct Route. Which is why Hira Ratan Manek insists that if we just look at the sun a few minutes each day, we can get most of what we are eating things to get. And we can get it faster. Because when we eat things — when we consume plants and trees and minerals and animals — we have to first convert these substances to extract the Sun Energy that is stored there. By sun gazing, Mr. Manek suggests, we absorb sunlight directly, without having to convert it through any internal (and energy using ) digestive process.

(A word of caution however: most Sun Gazers say to look at the Sun only during the few moments around Sunrise and Sunset, to protect the eyes from permanent after-image and other possible retina damage. And note: I am not here, in any way, suggesting or endorsing the process of Sun Gazing.)

Having said that, we all know already of the benefits of sunlight. When we feel sick, it is common for those around us to say, “C’mon, you need to get out in the sun.” And sunlight deprivation is now being recognized as a diseased condition, which medical science and modern technology have found a way to treat. SAD (or Seasonal Affective Disorder) is now treated with Full Spectrum Lighting, among other things, to give people what they are missing from not getting enough sun.

Do we really think it is a coincidence that sunbathers are inordinately healthy? Go to any nudist colony expecting (hoping?) to see lots of nubile naked bodies running around, but don’t be surprised if you see that the majority of nudists are people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, exercising and swimming and playing volleyball and having the time of their life inside of healthy, vibrant bodies that are absorbing more Sunlight in one day than most of us do in one month.

Life IS a System, and there is a way to go about changing your life, improving your life, systematically. This “way” is what some people have called… The Secret

SURVIVOR

have you ever had to run away from someone or something at some hard time in your life? many times a day, all over the planet, someone has to get out of where they are, has to make a quick decision based on circumstances beyond their control. if they can’t get out, they will die and this is what they know for sure. this is a story about a girl and her baby and how she got out before it was too late.

she knew she had to go, this time there was no getting around it. she had to make a plan, set it up, get some help. the last time he had gone ape shit on her, as she valiantly and stupidly tried to defend herself against someone twice her size and triple her insanity, she yelled out, are you ever going to stop beating me up? to her shock, this had made him stop what he was doing, look straight into her terrified eyes and say, ‘not until you start to smarten up, bitch’.

as soon as he said that, she knew she had no choice. she knew she was far too stubborn and that there was no way she was going to smarten up enough to suit him. she knew it the minute he said it and just like that, the seed of the plan was born. the geographical solution would have to be used again. it was either run or die and this wasn’t the first or even the tenth time she had to run for her life. the first time she successfully ran from her own abusive parents at sixteen, never looked back, never went back, never called. they never came after her. she wasn’t worth the effort.

this time it wasn’t just her but the baby too. he will kill the both of us, she thought, rather than let us go willingly. he had already hurt their baby once. she knew she had to flee when that happened a couple of weeks earlier. The baby wasn’t physically hurt just scared, but witnessing the extent of his anger toward a helpless child was too much to bear.

that night, she had gone to the bar for a drink after her waitressing shift. for this 27 year old mother going out after work was the exception rather than the rule so she didn’t think it out when she decided to go with her friends, she blindly went about doing what she wanted just as people will oftentimes do. stupid girl.

it was about 1130pm when he stormed into the bar holding their frightened 13 month old child, walking straight towards her unknowing, unsuspecting head. he grabs her arm and she turns and is instantly petrified looking at her child, she says give me the baby. he thrusts the now whimpering baby into her arms leans in close and snarls, home now.

she instantly complies thinking ok maybe I can talk my way out of this, after all I’m known for my smart mouth maybe I can put it to some good use like not getting us killed right now. she starts for the door feeling very much like a character in a dream. she knew what was coming she shoulda never left that bar, shoulda called the cops, the swat team, the fucking fbi, anyone at that point. shoulda woulda coulda.

as she was being crazily driven toward her destiny, she thought about the violence that started in earnest after the baby was born. she had endured a couple of episodes of yelling prior to the birth of their daughter but she thought she could help him to not be so angry. after all he wasn’t always mad, there were many times in the beginning that he was quite charming, and handsome and strong. she remembered later that once she had told him, early on in the relationship that it was like she could tell him anything he was so understanding. …..little did she know. he had raped her when the baby was about four months old, felt like he had waited long enough for sex and dammit wasn’t gonna wait any more. she knew then but felt trapped by the situation. how did this get so bad, she wondered?

abused women unknowingly walk towards the next beat down every minute of their lives, from the very first time that special someone kicked the crap out of them, sometime early in their existence. maybe it was dear old dad or mom or the boyfriend or husband, these women are conditioned and imprinted upon and violated from the very minute the very first punch landed on her unsuspecting face. the abuser grooms and manipulates and eventually controls his victim. it’s the same with childhood sexual assault also. but I digress. back to her.

home now after a violent car ride of screaming, baby screaming, him screaming, her trying to calm everyone down and epically failing. on the way in he grabs the baby from her arms and strides through the door, walks through the room into the bedroom and he throws the hysterical baby into her crib but is a bit too far away from the crib so baby hits the wall and falls into crib. right there this very moment she knows that not only was she endangering her own stupid useless life, she was also placing her beloved child in grave danger.

this guy has already shown out some of his moves but if he’s capable of this what would stop him from literally killing either one or both at any minute. she had an aha moment as she watched in slow motion him throwing the baby, a lightbulb went on in her head and said finally. this is going to stop. and I will stop it. him. in That moment there she started to make a plan. she knew she had no choice.

she came into work the next day at the restaurant bruised, beaten and disheveled. it had been a long night. she spent the remainder of the night in the playpen with the baby after he was done with his evil ranting and delusional ravings. she lay there soothing the child and prayed to god, and said’ god if your out there, I could sure use a hand’. she knew that no-one was going to help her, even as she uttered this futile prayer.

in the employee bathroom she looked in the mirror and started to apply makeup to the black eye. she had a harder time covering the throttle marks around her neck but eventually she covered them with an entire bottle of Covergirl. she realized she was going to have a hard time explaining these injuries to people so she comes up with a lie- the only believable way to explain her injuries was that a dog attacked her. no other options seemed to come and she thinks ‘well it was almost the truth’. she is lost in the memory of the previous night, him sitting on her and punching her face and choking her neck as the baby howled in her crib…

at that moment her friend, another waitress, walks in. says hey whatcha doin? oh my god she says, what happened to you? so she replies, I was attacked by a dog and proceeds to spin a story to support her

claim. halfway through hearing the lie the friend says ‘oh my friend won’t you say what really happened’? and that’s all it took. one honest question, given at the exact right moment, in the exact right way. from someone who wanted nothing from her.

the girl breaks down. she tells her friend everything. they go into the large service closet so they can talk privately. the whole ugly story spills out of her mouth and she is crying and she is panicking and she says I have to get away but I have no where to go because he will come after us and that won’t be good for anybody. I have to make a plan. I can’t go to his family for help, they don’t like me, I have no family of my own to go to except my sister but that would be the first place he will tear down looking for us.

right away this friend says, you can go and stay with my family, they won’t mind, they live far away and no one will ever know where you are. so they hatch the plan. in the bathroom closet. which is where eventually, unbeknownst to either of them, this closet would be the launch pad for the escape. she starts to see this may work. the friends family are completely onboard, offering the use of their home as long as she and the child would need it. turns out this family had a long history of helping complete strangers all of the time.

a few weeks in she realizes indeed this was turning out to be large undertaking. filled with doubt and fear, completely on her own with no assistance from anyone other than this friend. while attempting to retain her sanity during all this planning and scheming she made and kept three different appointments with family counselors looking for some advice. she was concerned if she was doing the right thing removing the child from its’ family. should she stay and seek protection and try to work it out with him to at least retain some order for her child. she was delusional some of the time.

these three counsellors heard her out, told her she was quite justified in light of all the information she shared and she did not hold back. she told them everything, she told about the first rape, about him beating her and strangling her and hurting the baby and his huffing addiction, which she found out about by continually noticing that her paper towels were missing. she would say to him where are the paper towels and he would say ‘I don’t know, I think you’re going crazy’.

she followed him one night, out of the house and into the garage then out through the back door, she kept a safe distance so he didn’t see her. she watched as he unearthed her paper towels from a pile of stuff in the disorganized garage. she watched as he took a wad of paper and walked out into the yard, to the banana tree, then reached down under some brush and pulled out a bottle and opened it and shook in on the wad. he quickly replaced the bottle back undercover and walked off across the street into woods holding the paper towel wad to his face. she had no idea what he was doing, she had never seen this behavior. she had no idea he was “huffing” until one of the therapists told her what it was. she sneaks up looks at the bottle and see’s it is Toluene, a wood finishing solvent. she sniffs it and says, that’s the damn smell I smell all the time, thinking about how he would say ‘its just from working, from doing my job’.. ohhhh… she realizes how long she’s been smelling this smell. about a year, right after the birth of their daughter.. another clue for the clueless.

she quite literally had no one to turn to because if this was going to work, no one could know anything whatsoever. and they never did. not while it was happening or now as she plans her escape. no one ever

saw it coming, not one person had any clue what happened to her and her daughter, they quite simply vanished.

she embarks on acquiring a new car, after all she is going to drive away and she needs dependable wheels. she accomplishes this through much frantic on the inside, calm on the outside bartering, haggling and trading. then she calls her sister who lives several states away and confesses the abuse, tells her everything that’s happening, her sister says what is preventing you from leaving right now today and she replies money, I don’t have enough. eventually her sister sends her a thousand dollars.

she suddenly realizes, I have a place to go, I have a good car to do it in and I have enough money. she has been stashing diapers and baby clothes and things he might not notice missing from the house in the service closet at work. she and her friend used the closet as a contact point, leaving one another messages and directions and phone numbers and maps. every work night she places half her tip money in an envelope which the friend would later collect and stash away for her because at that point he controlled all the money in the house, demanding what is in her pocket the minute she gets home from work. every afternoon she had to leave her baby in his care as she went off to work, crying all the way there, knowing that they had to wait for this plan to work.

finally, she chooses a date. December 4 1989. it was a Monday. she senses that this plan will work and all she has to do is wait it out. she endures several more rapes and beatings before she will go away for good, all of it serving as a painful reminder to why she must run again, hopefully for the last time. she manages to completely trick him- she planned and threw the baby’s second birthday party two weeks prior to the getaway, she showed up for family pictures and events with his family, she showed up for her job and even put herself on the schedule for work the week that she would be first gone. no one except the girl, her friend and the girls sister knew anything was even remotely going on.

tomorrows the day. she feels as though she is walking through a nightmare and she is watching from above outside her body. this night he is pissed about something, they fight, he slaps and chokes her and as she lays down after the beating she says to herself, well at least he stayed true to himself up ’til the end. she feels completely deranged at this point. she has made up a story sometime last week that she is going off island to the mall with a friend and their kids, she says she won’t be back until 5 pm. he believes her.

December 4 1989, it’s 12 noon and it is go time. she still has the out of body sensation as she straps the baby in the car seat. she has been careful to not bring anything of her own with her, she leaves no clue that anything is amiss, she leaves with only the clothes on her back. with her heart in her throat, she pulls the car up to the restaurant, runs in and retrieves all belongings, money, formula, diapers, maps, baby toys, nothing for her. all held in that precious storage closet. she opens the trunk tosses all of it in and working off full adrenaline she blasts that old Lincoln she wrangled from his father and guns it down A1A straight out of the Keys and heads off to Cape Cod.

Massachusetts, that is. she had no clue where she was going, she thought Martha’s Vineyard was in California, this innocent girl running for her and her baby girls life. she barely made it out of Florida the first night, feeling like she had the devil himself on her ass. she knew he would come looking for her the second he realized he’d been duped but she also knew he would never believe she had gone this far. she

had spent much agonizing time helping him to believe that it was true, that she, this bitch had finally smartened up. she made him believe that all was well because she knew if her plan wasn’t flawless he would catch and then kill them.

it took her seven long days in the car, making the 1,500 mile journey with a projectile vomiting two year old in the carseat next to her, before she finally made it to her unknown destination, the safe house, the good people that she had never even met. this was long before cell phones or GPS, so she used one finger following the hand drawn line on the map her friend had supplied her, the other hand guiding the steering wheel of the giant Lincoln Continental. she got pulled over for speeding in Georgia and was able to convince the trooper that he shouldn’t give her a ticket. she didn’t sleep for weeks before running and would not be able to rest or sleep for weeks afterwards.

back in crazy land, oh the shit hit the fan. he found the goodbye letter she had taped to the underside of the kitchen table while he was wrecking the house and everything in it, upon realizing her betrayal. that man went through every trick in the book trying to find them. fortunately the one thing she had going for her, was that she never married the lunatic. he had no legal right to pursue her, she had even made sure his name was not on the baby’s birth certificate. days, weeks, months passed by. he threatened every single person she knew with bodily harm if they didn’t produce them right fucking now, but she had made sure to tell virtually no one anything. she knew that only their honest statement, that they knew nothing, was the only way for him to eventually back down. they were just gone, and he had no choice but to accept it.

after some time, finally feeling somewhat safe, she went into domestic abuse survivor counselling, followed by incest survivor therapy that happened right alongside 3 day a week personal intensive psychotherapy. this was all supplied, free of charge by a local organization that specialized in helping abused women.

she got two, sometimes three jobs at a time. she found a woman to watch the baby, she started to put everything behind her. during one of her early meetings with a domestic abuse therapist, she was told that one day this would all seem like a bad dream and that she may even someday get over it. she did not believe it at all. she began to unravel why she kept ending up in dangerous, violent relationships. it all stemmed from her childhood, the mother who did not like her and beat her up and told her she was worthless. the father who molested her for over a decade.

in closing, this girl want’s people to know that no situation is really hopeless. where there is a desire to survive, no matter what is happening, survival will take place. when she first ran away from her terrible family she thought she was okay. but feeling useless, unloved and unlovable only caused her to seek out the same abuse she endured growing up. she just simply didn’t know how to fix herself or that she even needed fixing. it would take this girl many, many years to finally stand up for herself and eventually find her voice. and her voice is telling this story just in case someone needs to hear it, maybe at the right time, in the right way and from someone who doesn’t want anything from anyone. oh, and that god really does answer prayers uttered in desperation, even if you don’t believe in him.

forever six

Capture earth

My house is white. It sits alone, on an unending beach with an ocean somewhere. Its’ both hidden and visible and it’s there when it needs to be. In the midst of the beach, in the far distance all you can see is a vast raging forest inhabited by wild animals, lions, cats of all kind, wolves, dogs, giraffes, birds, alligators and elephants. I am the only one who can see this place. My house sits square in the middle of the forest, and directly around my house is a bright green lawn with pretty flowers of all colors. The animals are wild and I don’t interact with them. I rarely see them, unless of course I want to then they will come to the edge.

I send them my love through the air, and in the darkest night, they lift their noses to the sky and smell my love coming to them. They know why they are there- it is to protect me and they know I am grateful, so they are gratified. They will protect me all the days of my life here and I protect them because even though I am a tiny little girl, I am the ruler and what I say goes. It is unspoken, it is my will that keeps this place the fortress it is. My lions will eat you if you try to trespass. My glittering green eyes will detect even the slightest bit of unauthorized movement. There has never been a trespasser, it is forbidden.

All you can see, approaching the area wherever my house is, is great wilderness. Nobody would ever even think to go there because it is so wild and untamed and dangerous. Anyone would know that because there is a magic spell surrounding this place. It seems insurmountable and so it is. The only people allowed into my house are those I alone have chosen. I place them there with the utmost care, so I never have to remove anyone.

In my house, no-one leaves unless they want to and they never do. We have a life inside my house that includes ferrets, black and white kitties and white dogs, big furry ones who are loving and content to accompany me when I need them to. I have a big living room with a fireplace that is always on and large windows which I can see the ocean and the beach and my swimming pool. I have white rugs and carpets all over and giant white chairs with giant ottomans in every room. There are beautiful paintings on the walls, photos of people that I love. There are fresh flowers that Lidia has cut from the flower garden, they are all over the house in cut glass vases of all sizes and shapes.

Here I swim and play hungry hungry hippos and build castles in the sand and I fish but I always release them, I draw and paint and take long baths in my giant bath tub with lilac scented bubbles, I sleep with my dogs and cats and I eat beautiful food and watch movies and here I am forever 6, I never cry I never want I am safe, whole and untouched. The ugliness of life does not enter here, only light and love and safety. Lidia holds me and rocks me and strokes my hair and sings little songs very softly to soothe me. Here I can sleep, I am always able to do exactly what I want. Always protected.

Lidia is Lidia Bastianich who is from her show called Lidias Italy. That’s where I first saw her, cooking in her kitchen and I wanted her for my mother. She is a beautiful, caring, motherly loving figure who cooks for me and essentially is my private assistant. I am very young so someone needs to care for me here, who can do all the things I need done like cooking cleaning and tucking me in and all that stuff.

I am forever 6. I am a child who was saved by herself and placed in this fantastic retreat to live out my days, gratified, safe and contented. I am all I need to be. I am cared for by my benevolent adult self, taken away from the insanity in the nick of time.

My earth parents were horrible people that abused me and hated me, so I was taken away to live here. By my self. There will be no ugliness here and when she needs to, my adult self comes to visit me here, I always feel her watching over me, protecting me, but sometimes she actually spends time here. This is when I soothe her, so she can go back and continue her work there. She only comes when she needs to, which is once in a while.

The only way into this place is through the blue screen. We ascend the giant granite staircase to the stone building. We enter the silent door and enter the theater. It is pitch black and no-one is there but us. I am not afraid. I approach the giant screen with my adult self as she holds my little hand. I look up at her, trusting her to save me.

She shoos me forward into the blue screen. As I step through, the black other world falls away and I am urged forth on a cloud of love and as I approach my house, I see that I am actually flying, the only way in. it’s the spell that affords the transit. The spell was created in the house of Independence, where I found my way many years ago. This is where all life starts for me and can never be undone.

I am aware of my adult life and my precious daughter is my focus there. I don’t bring her to my house because she is blessed so she does not need to be there. She would be the only other to come in if need be. So far it has not been necessary. I have a safe house in that world where she is always welcome and protected. That is good for now. I have this story here so she can know this place and always find me if she thinks I am lost.

Tell her how to get here just in case. She will have to close her eyes, breathe deeply and picture the blue screen inside her head, enter the blue and approach without fear and let her mind enter the beauty that is my home. I will be here forever and she is always welcome here.

big dumb baby

05 27 2011 various 045it’s like you’re my mirror, oh oh, my mirror starin’ back at me, couldn’t get any bigger, oh oh…….first thought rolling through my brain for the past several weeks. I love JT but come on dude, your haunting me.

for the longest time I have had to be careful what I listen to on the radio. lyrics, especially catchy ones stick on my mind like brand new fly paper. I have tried to shut it off, turning instead to thank you, thank you, thank you for everything. my eyes open every day at about 5am, no matter what time I go to bed. I’ve tried going to bed early, late, in between but it doesn’t change. whatever song I jammed on is there in full concert. a while back I mashed on eminem and every other thought was let’s get down to business, ain’t got time to fuck around what is this, must be a circus in town, let’s shut this shit down, these clowns, can I get a witness….oh please shut this shit down marshall mather.

I don’t know how books get written. I know I am supposed to be doing it but once I start writing all my thought s jumble forth, saying, me me pick me. tell about this one first, no me first.

I have nowhere to go, nothing to do and no-one to be. you may think this is the perfect setting for a clear mind, but not for me. I have rolling tapes and songs and monologues and dialogues that spontaneously happen every single second of every single minute of every single day and night. I can’t run away from my mind. my mind is like a giant monster in the corner of every room in my life, and if I don’t pay total attention to it, it get’s louder and louder and louder and then I have to attend to it like it’s a big baby with a dirty diaper.

It’s exhausting and I can see how people lose their minds. I am aware that I should meditate every day and some say this helps the mind to settle down. I get super amped after meditating and while doing it I think, what am I supposed to be thinking? Every thought that lives in my head just gets louder and while I try to cram my eyes shut, listen to the meditation music or noises, my thoughts just roll into a huge ball of ridiculous popcorn. not the sweet, soft popcorn no, it’s those hard, crunchy kernels that get stuck in the teeth of my brain and no amount of picking at it makes it go away.

I find that, if I work really hard all day at controlling what’s going on in there, I can achieve some sense of peace. I mean really working at it like a construction worker with a jackhammer, every nano second of the day, I can manufacture some peace up there. but it is short lived as I go to bed all peaceful, sleep and dream, then once again at 5am, starts the iheart radio in my head pulling me along like a sled being pulled by twenty large dogs. every morning is a struggle to regain my peace ground and it is a full time job.

the fact that I have no job right now and haven’t since last June, means nothing. I really don’t even know what will happen to me once I find another job, I think how hard is that going to be, trying to control my personal thoughts and also fulfill the function of a job. how is that going to work? how am I going to work through all the litter and mess in my head?

I have tried yoga, power walking, eating, watching TV, gardening, playing with my cat, shopping, smoking plants, drinking alcohol, and maybe a million more activities to quiet my brain. the physical acts do help in that I get exhausted after doing them and it seems when I am tired during the day from exercise, I can get my mind to settle a bit.

I have travelled the path of forgiveness, thinking that when I no longer hold hostages in my mind, then I can achieve real peace, the kind that jesus died to give me, but then while doing something mindless like cleaning my house, I realize I have just unwittingly, spent thirty minutes reciting a laundry list of complaints about someone who I thought I forgave completely. the most common of those is either my mother or my ex husband, two people I don’t care for much at all.

when I come to and hear what I have been thinking, I get disgusted with my brain all over again and I spend another thirty minutes forgiving them again. I have to list all the ways I forgive them, in order and then ask god to bless them and keep them all the days of their miserable lives.

again. I thought when forgiveness has happened, the door is shut against the railings of my mind and heart and never again will I have to go through the process of mentally tearing them apart and then forgiving them all over again and then having to forgive myself for thinking about them in such a negative way.

no, my brain has it’s own agenda and I am only an observer of my thoughts. I spend most every day attempting to break my thought pattern like a wild horse that will never be tamed. sometimes I think, fuck it I am not engaging in this war of wills again, let the brain go and do it’s terrible thing. that is almost always a very bad idea because, like letting a wild bull run through my house breaking everything in it’s path and shitting on all the floors, I know the only way to hang on to a slender strand of sanity is not letting the bull run loose in the first place.

it is this teeny fiber of control that I cling to desperately, only having it and holding momentarily. I also know that almost every other person on the planet engages in this war every day right along with me. most people I know would never admit this is true, but how can it not be? we are all subject to the barrage of bad news every night on the TV, radio or whatever device you are currently enslaved to. we all hear and see the media messages that tell us to look like her, earn this much money, buy this kind of car or purse and that will give you peace of mind.

to this I say a hearty fuck off in no uncertain terms but my mind stores all this information and while I think I am not prone to it’s influence, up it comes in the midnight hour when I least expect it. my heart starts pounding and I know I am off to the races, never finishing it only relentlessly going around and around the track.

this mental rodeo is something I have to deal with every day. I am getting very tired and I think that short of a frontal lobotomy, I will never win the peace prize. oh sure I have moments of sanity but I never am able to keep it going for very long. you would think that in over fifty years of life I would have some sort of grip, but it seems the older I get, the less I am able to control the endless roll call of disappointments that have happened to me.

why can’t I obsess on the good things in my life, I can’t figure it out. I own a home in a very desirable location. I have produced an independent child who is on her own, has a stable career and is generally a happy person. I have money in the bank. way more than most folks I know, I am frugal and my cash reserve is stable. I have mad computer skills and I know I could get a job if I really wanted one, which I don’t. I have beaten breast cancer and when I say beaten I mean stomped it down back to hell where it came from and now enjoy a high degree of health. I have a church that seems to like me and wants me to be there and I get a lot out of hearing the pastor give his sermons. I can go or not go, it’s up to me.

I successfully initiated and wrote out my divorce all on my own, saving me from losing everything I had in life. I have a dear friend who is my roommate and she contributes to my ability to keep my home. and she is a great cook. and she has family that can be counted on in emergencies, like the 2015 blizzard when her brother

and nephew dug us out of three feet of snow.

so why don’t I only look at the good? why do I wake up with doom on my mind and have to spend three hours regaining my positive outlook? why?

according to Joyce Meyer, my mind is a battlefield upon which I must, every day, beat back the enemy of my thoughts. she’s right and I just don’t understand. does anyone get to the peace point and stay there? is it possible to just have and hold it? I want to meet that person whoever they are. maybe mother theresa had it with her singular thought of simply serving the masses. I do feel better when I am volunteering at the Salvation Army, and that is the whole four hours I am there. however the minute I get back in my car(another blessing) I am right back to the war of my thought process. whenever I am assisting another human or animal I completely forget about myself. but can this be something I do every single minute of the day? doesn’t seem so, because once I am done helping, there is the big, dumb baby in the corner, screaming for attention. I look at it and think, oh man it’s you again! why won’t you go away forever?

in my opinion……

forgiveness is about letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different.

forgiveness is about letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different.

my opinion is as follows:

god is inside each of us.

he talks to every one of us, every day.

it’s not, does he still talk- but rather who can hear it?

who even want’s to hear it?

don’t worry if you miss what god is trying to tell or show you.

he knows how to get his message to you.

it’s pretty easy, as he is inside each of us.

Whether we like it or not. Whether we believe it or not.

god spoke to me out loud once.

he said I will not leave you or forsake you.

I am really stubborn so he had to actually say something

because forever before I ignored him.

I’ve read the bible in large chunks but haven’t read all of it

there’s a lot of word’s that indicate god is a jealous, vengeance dispensing,

sends souls to hell, give us free will and then punish us if

we choose wrong, kind of god. This is just incorrect.

I don’t believe this is true of god. This doesn’t jive with god’s law as described in the bible.

If a law has a loophole it’s not really a law.

It’s a theory, at best.

Jesus want’s us to know that we are all son’s and daughters of god.

Jesus want’s us to know he is our brother. He is a master who got it, and spread the word.

There were other master’s and we killed them too.

God wants us to know how very much he loves each of us. The Creator of all the universe’s and everything in them all, from infinity and beyond, loves me. And you. We are one.

Think of the ocean. Walk up to the water’s edge in your mind’s eye.

Dip a cup in the ocean and fill the cup. Look into the cup, then look at the ocean.

Is it diminished because you took a cup from it? No. It’s so big that a million people could take one cup each and still the ocean would remain intact. Maybe even seven hundred billion could take it.

It is still intact. This is how god is inside each of us all at once.

We are One. He is closer to you than your breath.

TV preacher’s and religion in general have given us some bad information about god.

I have done my research, read many, many books, listened to many different men and women of god.

I have come to my own conclusion.

Once god spoke out loud to me, my life changed. I am still a work in progress but forward momentum has been made. Changes in thinking have occurred. Forgiveness and walking in love have become my daily goals along with being okay with change. All of life is changing all the time.

I am a human, working at being and growing the biggest, mustard-iest tree in the garden.

Can these dead, dry bones live, human? O god, only you know.

And god say’s yes, they live and it is good!

God love’s me. and you. all the time no matter what. you can ask and he will give to you. and me.

god is good. all the time.

But blessed are your eyes for they see: and your ears, for they hear.

Jesus said to them: have you understood these things?

Have you?