big dumb baby

05 27 2011 various 045it’s like you’re my mirror, oh oh, my mirror starin’ back at me, couldn’t get any bigger, oh oh…….first thought rolling through my brain for the past several weeks. I love JT but come on dude, your haunting me.

for the longest time I have had to be careful what I listen to on the radio. lyrics, especially catchy ones stick on my mind like brand new fly paper. I have tried to shut it off, turning instead to thank you, thank you, thank you for everything. my eyes open every day at about 5am, no matter what time I go to bed. I’ve tried going to bed early, late, in between but it doesn’t change. whatever song I jammed on is there in full concert. a while back I mashed on eminem and every other thought was let’s get down to business, ain’t got time to fuck around what is this, must be a circus in town, let’s shut this shit down, these clowns, can I get a witness….oh please shut this shit down marshall mather.

I don’t know how books get written. I know I am supposed to be doing it but once I start writing all my thought s jumble forth, saying, me me pick me. tell about this one first, no me first.

I have nowhere to go, nothing to do and no-one to be. you may think this is the perfect setting for a clear mind, but not for me. I have rolling tapes and songs and monologues and dialogues that spontaneously happen every single second of every single minute of every single day and night. I can’t run away from my mind. my mind is like a giant monster in the corner of every room in my life, and if I don’t pay total attention to it, it get’s louder and louder and louder and then I have to attend to it like it’s a big baby with a dirty diaper.

It’s exhausting and I can see how people lose their minds. I am aware that I should meditate every day and some say this helps the mind to settle down. I get super amped after meditating and while doing it I think, what am I supposed to be thinking? Every thought that lives in my head just gets louder and while I try to cram my eyes shut, listen to the meditation music or noises, my thoughts just roll into a huge ball of ridiculous popcorn. not the sweet, soft popcorn no, it’s those hard, crunchy kernels that get stuck in the teeth of my brain and no amount of picking at it makes it go away.

I find that, if I work really hard all day at controlling what’s going on in there, I can achieve some sense of peace. I mean really working at it like a construction worker with a jackhammer, every nano second of the day, I can manufacture some peace up there. but it is short lived as I go to bed all peaceful, sleep and dream, then once again at 5am, starts the iheart radio in my head pulling me along like a sled being pulled by twenty large dogs. every morning is a struggle to regain my peace ground and it is a full time job.

the fact that I have no job right now and haven’t since last June, means nothing. I really don’t even know what will happen to me once I find another job, I think how hard is that going to be, trying to control my personal thoughts and also fulfill the function of a job. how is that going to work? how am I going to work through all the litter and mess in my head?

I have tried yoga, power walking, eating, watching TV, gardening, playing with my cat, shopping, smoking plants, drinking alcohol, and maybe a million more activities to quiet my brain. the physical acts do help in that I get exhausted after doing them and it seems when I am tired during the day from exercise, I can get my mind to settle a bit.

I have travelled the path of forgiveness, thinking that when I no longer hold hostages in my mind, then I can achieve real peace, the kind that jesus died to give me, but then while doing something mindless like cleaning my house, I realize I have just unwittingly, spent thirty minutes reciting a laundry list of complaints about someone who I thought I forgave completely. the most common of those is either my mother or my ex husband, two people I don’t care for much at all.

when I come to and hear what I have been thinking, I get disgusted with my brain all over again and I spend another thirty minutes forgiving them again. I have to list all the ways I forgive them, in order and then ask god to bless them and keep them all the days of their miserable lives.

again. I thought when forgiveness has happened, the door is shut against the railings of my mind and heart and never again will I have to go through the process of mentally tearing them apart and then forgiving them all over again and then having to forgive myself for thinking about them in such a negative way.

no, my brain has it’s own agenda and I am only an observer of my thoughts. I spend most every day attempting to break my thought pattern like a wild horse that will never be tamed. sometimes I think, fuck it I am not engaging in this war of wills again, let the brain go and do it’s terrible thing. that is almost always a very bad idea because, like letting a wild bull run through my house breaking everything in it’s path and shitting on all the floors, I know the only way to hang on to a slender strand of sanity is not letting the bull run loose in the first place.

it is this teeny fiber of control that I cling to desperately, only having it and holding momentarily. I also know that almost every other person on the planet engages in this war every day right along with me. most people I know would never admit this is true, but how can it not be? we are all subject to the barrage of bad news every night on the TV, radio or whatever device you are currently enslaved to. we all hear and see the media messages that tell us to look like her, earn this much money, buy this kind of car or purse and that will give you peace of mind.

to this I say a hearty fuck off in no uncertain terms but my mind stores all this information and while I think I am not prone to it’s influence, up it comes in the midnight hour when I least expect it. my heart starts pounding and I know I am off to the races, never finishing it only relentlessly going around and around the track.

this mental rodeo is something I have to deal with every day. I am getting very tired and I think that short of a frontal lobotomy, I will never win the peace prize. oh sure I have moments of sanity but I never am able to keep it going for very long. you would think that in over fifty years of life I would have some sort of grip, but it seems the older I get, the less I am able to control the endless roll call of disappointments that have happened to me.

why can’t I obsess on the good things in my life, I can’t figure it out. I own a home in a very desirable location. I have produced an independent child who is on her own, has a stable career and is generally a happy person. I have money in the bank. way more than most folks I know, I am frugal and my cash reserve is stable. I have mad computer skills and I know I could get a job if I really wanted one, which I don’t. I have beaten breast cancer and when I say beaten I mean stomped it down back to hell where it came from and now enjoy a high degree of health. I have a church that seems to like me and wants me to be there and I get a lot out of hearing the pastor give his sermons. I can go or not go, it’s up to me.

I successfully initiated and wrote out my divorce all on my own, saving me from losing everything I had in life. I have a dear friend who is my roommate and she contributes to my ability to keep my home. and she is a great cook. and she has family that can be counted on in emergencies, like the 2015 blizzard when her brother

and nephew dug us out of three feet of snow.

so why don’t I only look at the good? why do I wake up with doom on my mind and have to spend three hours regaining my positive outlook? why?

according to Joyce Meyer, my mind is a battlefield upon which I must, every day, beat back the enemy of my thoughts. she’s right and I just don’t understand. does anyone get to the peace point and stay there? is it possible to just have and hold it? I want to meet that person whoever they are. maybe mother theresa had it with her singular thought of simply serving the masses. I do feel better when I am volunteering at the Salvation Army, and that is the whole four hours I am there. however the minute I get back in my car(another blessing) I am right back to the war of my thought process. whenever I am assisting another human or animal I completely forget about myself. but can this be something I do every single minute of the day? doesn’t seem so, because once I am done helping, there is the big, dumb baby in the corner, screaming for attention. I look at it and think, oh man it’s you again! why won’t you go away forever?


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